Legally Dakota: The Musical
by StarHeart Specials
Summary: Dakota Woods has it all. She wants nothing more than to be Mrs. Justin Huntington III. But there is one thing stopping him from proposing: She's too blonde. Dakota rallies all of her resources and gets into Harvard, determined to win him back. (TD version of Legally Blonde) (Told through song)
1. Omigod You Guys

_Lindsay: Dear D, he's a lucky guy_

 _I'm, like, gonna cry_

 _I got tears coming out of my nose!_

 _Mad props!_

 _He's the campus catch_

 _You're a perfect match_

 _'Cause you both have such great taste in clothes_

 _Of course he will propose!_

 _Kitty: Dear D, honey, mazel tov_

 _Future's taking off_

 _Bring that ring back and show it to me_

 _Sierra: Four carats of princess cut_

 _Are you_ _psyched or what?_

 _I just wish I could be there to see..._

 _All: When he gets down on one knee!_

 _Oh my God_

 _Omigod you guys_

 _Look's like D's gonna win the prize_

 _If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies_

 _Omigod, you guys_

 _Oh my God_

 _This is happening_

 _Our own Homecoming queen and king_

 _Finally, she'll be trying on a huge engagement ring for size_

 _Omigod, you guys_

 _Omigod!_

Zoey was on the phone.

"Shut up, Dakota? Shut up, Justin? Shut up, engaged? Oh my God!"

 _Sierra: Ok, everybody sign?_

 _Good, now fall in line_

 _And we'll start the engagement parade_

 _Kitty: Light candles and single file_

 _Don't forget to smile_

 _Lose the gum, Beth_

 _You look like the maid_

"Sorry!"

 _Now prepare to serenade_

"Shh!"

 _All: (Whispered) Oh my God_

 _Omigod you guys_

 _Looks like D's_

 _(Louder) Gonna win the_ _prize!_

"Shh!"

 _(Whispered) If there ever was a perfect couple_

 _(Louder) This one quali- -_

"Shh!"

 _Omigod!_

"Guys, I'm serious!," Kitty yelled.

 _Katie: Dakota and Justin were meant to be_

 _Sadie: Not once ever has he hit on me_

 _Beth: Shut up!_

 _Lindsay: They're just like that couple from Titanic_

 _Only no one dies_

 _All: Omigod!_

 _Beth: Two, three, four!_

 _All: Daughter of Delta Nu_

 _Soon-to-be fiancee_

 _Now that a man chose you, your life begins today_

 _Make him a happy home, waste not his hard-earned wage_

 _And so he does not roam, strive not to look your age_

 _Still in your hour of need, let it be understood_

 _No man can supersede_

 _Our sacred bond of sisterhood!_

 _Oh my God_

 _Omigod you g- -_

"Guys, she's not here," Kitty said after checking Dakota's room.

"WHAT?!"

"That makes me crazy in my head," Lindsay frowned.

"Bark bark!"

Dakota's dog, Bruiser ran up to her.

"Bruiser! Where is Dakota?"

"Bark!"

"She doesn't have an engagement outfit?"

"Bark!"

"Oh my God! She is totally freaking out!"

"Bark!"

"She's trapped in the old valley mill?"

"Bark bark!"

"Oh, whoops, sorry. The Old Valley Mall!"

Everyone screamed and ran to the front door.

 _All: Oh my God guys, emergency_

 _Kitty: Don't take the freeway!_

 _Zoey: Hey! Wait for me!_

 _All: No one should be left alone to dress and to accessorize_

 _Zoey: Oh my God, you guys_

 _All: Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!_

 _Omigod!_

* * *

Dakota was at one of the mall department stores, trying on dresses. She looked at a white dress she was wearing in the mirror.

"It's almost there, but..."

 _Dakota: This dress needs to seal the deal_

 _Make a grown man kneel_

 _But it can't come right out and say 'bride'_

 _Can't look like I'm desperate or like I'm waiting for it_

 _I gotta leave Justin his pride_

 _So bride is more implied_

"There she is!"

The Delta Nu's ran up to her.

 _Oh my God_

 _Omigod you guys_

 _All this week, I've had butterflies_

 _Every time he looks at me, it's totally proposal eyes_

 _Omigod, you guys!_

 _So help me dress for my fairytale_

 _Can't wear something I bought on sale_

 _Kitty: Love is, like, forever_

 _This is no time to economize_

 _All: Omigod, you guys_

A salesgirl saw Dakota and smirked.

"Blondes make commission _so_ easy."

She put on a fake smile and walked up to Dakota.

"Excuse me, have you seen this?," she showed her a pink dress, "It just came in. Ooh, it's perfect for a blonde."

Dakota nodded, "Right. With a half-loop stitch on China silk?"

"Uh-huh."

"But the thing is, you can't use a half-loop stitch on China silk; It'll pucker. And you didn't just get this in because I saw it in last May's Vogue."

The Delta Nu's watched with wide eyes.

 _All: (Whispered) Oh my God_

 _Omigod you guys_

"I am not about to buy last year's dress at this year's price."

 _D saw right through that salesgirl's lies_

"It may be perfect for a blonde, but I'm not _that_ blonde."

 _Dakota: I may be in love, but I'm not stupid_

 _Lady, I've got eyes_

"Oh my God!"

Kelly the store owner came in.

 _Kelly: Dakota Woods!_

 _Sorry, our mistake_

 _Taylor, take your break_

 _Just ignore her, she hasn't been well_

 _Try this, latest from Milan_

She handed Dakota another dress.

 _Go on, try it on_

 _I take care of my best clientele_

 _It's a gift from me to D!_

Dakota went into the dressing room and put the dress on. She came back out, smiling brightly.

 _Dakota: Oh my God_

 _Omigod you guys_

 _This one's perfect!_

 _And it's just my size_

 _See, dreams really do come true_

 _You never have to_ _compromise_

 _Omigod!_

 _All: Oh my God!_

 _Omigod you guys!_

 _Let's go home before someone cries_

 _If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies_

 _'Cause we love you guys!_

"No, I love you guys!"

 _Omigod!_

 _Dakota: Omigod!_

 _All: Omigod..._

 _...you guys!_

 _Omigod!_


	2. Serious

_Justin: We both know why we're here_

 _I see it in your eyes_

 _I guess it calms my fear_

 _To know it's not a surprise_

 _I thought one look at you_

 _Looking like a dream come true_

 _Would leave me speechless like you always do_

 _But now we're wide awake_

 _And we've got some plans to make_

 _Let's take some action, baby_

 _So, baby, give me your hand_

Dakota put her hand in Justin's.

 _I've got some dreams to make true_

 _I've got the future all planned_

 _It's time to get serious_

 _Time to get serious with you_

Dakota smiled lovingly.

 _Dakota: I never thought that I- -_

"Uh, honey, I'm not finished."

"Oh, sorry!"

 _Justin: Since I was two or three_

 _Dakota: (Mm-hmm)_

 _Justin: My life was planned out neat_

 _Dakota: (Mm-hmm)_

 _Justin: I'd get my law degree_

 _Dakota: (Yeah)_

 _Justin: And then win my senate seat_

 _Dakota: (Mm-hmm)_

 _Justin: A big white house back east_

 _Dakota: (Uh-huh)_

 _Justin: All of the amenities_

 _Dakota: (Yeah!)_

 _Justin: Three kids_

 _Both: At least just like the Kennedys_

 _Justin: Here's where our lives begin_

 _Dakota: (Our lives begin)_

 _Justin: But just where do you fit in?_

 _Dakota: Fit me in!_

 _Justin: I'll break it down now, baby_

 _So, baby, give me your hand_

 _Dakota: (Here's my hand! Here's my hand!)_

 _Justin: I've got some dreams to make true_

 _Dakota: We both have dreams to make true_

 _Justin: I know that you'll understand_

 _Dakota: Oh, yes, I understand_

 _Both: It's time to get serious_

 _Time to get serious_

 _Justin: With- -Serious_

 _Dakota: (Serious)_

 _Justin: Gotta wake up and take our journey_

 _Serious_

 _Dakota: (Serious)_

 _Justin: I'm telling you as a future attorney_

 _Dakota: (Ahh)_

 _Justin: You want the moon and sky?_

 _Then take it, don't be shy_

 _Dakota: (Ok!)_

 _Justin: Baby, that's why you and I..._

 _Dakota: (You and I!)_

 _Justin: ...should break up!_

 _Dakota: Yes, baby, I'll give you my hand_

 _We- -WHAT?!_

Dakota stared at Justin, wide-eyed.

"You're breaking up with me? But I," she tried to contain herself, "I thought you were, proposing."

Justin helped her sit down.

"Uh, um, yeah, I, uh, I did talk to my parents about that, pooh bear, but they- -"

Dakota wailed when Justin got down on his knee like he was proposing.

Justin stood back up and tried to explain to Dakota.

"But they expect a lot from me, I-I'm going off to Harvard Law School a-and my brother's at Yale Law and so is his new wife and, she's a Vanderbilt, for Christ's sake."

Dakota looked up at him.

"Oh, so am I not good enough for you?," she frowned, "Justin, I'm from Malibu, I'm not exactly trailer trash here, Richard Simmons is are neighbor!"

"Dakota, if I'm gonna be a senator when I'm thirty, I'm gonna need somebody..."

 _Justin: Serious!_

 _Less of a Marilyn, more of a Jackie_

 _Serious_

 _Somebody classy and not too tacky_

"What?!"

 _Ok, that came out wrong_

Dakota sobbed.

 _Baby, let's both be strong_

She sobbed again.

 _I mean, we've known all along..._

"Just shut up."

Dakota got out of her seat and looked at Justin sadly.

"What does that mean, I'm not a Jackie? I'm not serious? But I am _seriously_ in love with you."

She cried softly as she walked to the front door.

Justin watched her leave, sadly.

 _Baby, my future's all planned_

 _I've got some dreams to make true_

She looked back at him one last time before walking out the door.

 _I thought that you'd understand_

 _It's time to get serious_

 _Time to get serious_

He called for a waiter.

"Check please."


	3. What You Want

The Delta Nu's walked up to Dakota's closed bedroom door, holding candles.

 _All: Daughter of Delta Nu_

 _Sweetheart, it's been twelve days_

 _Please let us help you through_

"She's eating Silky Ways!"

Lindsay held up an empty bag of Silky Ways.

The other girls started panicking.

"Tell me those are fun-sized!," Sierra begged.

 _Sierra: I think he should be shot_

 _Kitty: And let me tell you what_

 _I don't think he's that hot_

"I do!," Lindsay raised her arm.

 _Well, you're a slut_

Lindsay gaped.

"Look who is talking!"

Sierra frowned.

"Oh! Uh-uh! Three words. Spring Break! Cabo!"

The girls all started arguing and fighting.

Loud snapping suddenly got everyone's attention. They looked up and saw Dakota in her bathrobe. She had come out of her room and was snapping her fingers.

"Must we all descend into madness?"

All of the girls but Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra started snapping and walked off.

"Snap it out, snap it out," Dakota said.

"Oh, honey!," Sierra said as she, Lindsay and Kitty walked up the stairs to Dakota's room, "So good to see you!"

She took out some magazines.

"Look, we brought you new magazines. We've got Town and Country, and your favorite, the one they named after you, Dakota Magazine!"

"Thanks, Sierra. But it's gonna take more than 'Dakota' and 'Town and Country' to bring me back from my shame spiral."

Lindsay rested her hands on Dakota's shoulders.

"Well then sweetie, you're just gonna have to hold on 'cause the new Vogue is not out 'till next week."

Dakota giggled before looking at one of her magazines. What she saw made her shriek.

"AAH!"

"What?," Kitty asked, "Do _not_ tell me ponchos are back in."

"No, worse. It's Justin's brother, Noah Huntington IIII and his bride."

The other girls gasped.

"Pictures from their wedding, look."

Kitty took the magazine and looked at the photos.

"Emma Vanderbilt," she read. She chuckled, "Even her name sounds serious."

They all laughed until Dakota suddenly stopped and her eyes widened in realization.

"Wait a sec," she looked at the magazine again, "This is the kind of girl Justin wants; Someone serious! Someone lawyerly! Someone who wears black when nobody's dead!"

Dakota smiled.

"Girls, I have a completely brilliant plan!"

She took off her bathrobe, revealing a pink exercise outfit.

 _Dakota: What you want_

 _Justin, what you want is me_

 _But you need to see me in a brand new domain_

 _Well, it's plain, Justin, in a different setting_

 _You will see your getting all of this, plus a brain!_

 _I'll meet you there at Harvard with a book in my hand_

 _Big, sturdy book_

 _Big, wordy book_

 _Full of words I'll understand_

 _And right there is where you'll see it, too_

 _Justin, what you want is right in front of you!_

 _Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra: What you want!_

 _Dakota: It's clear!_

 _Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra: What you want!_

 _Dakota: Right here!_

 _Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra: What you want is right in front of you!_

 _Front of you!_

 _What you want!_

 _Dakota: It's clear!_

 _Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra: What you want!_

 _Dakota: Right here!_

 _Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra: What you want is right in front of you!_

 _Front of you!_

 _Dakota: Step One: He's off to Harvard Law_

 _So I get in there too_

 _Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra: Step Two?_

 _Dakota: Make Justin reassess_

 _Impress him with my high IQ_

 _Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra: Step Three?_

 _Dakota: We throw a great big wedding_

 _Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra: And invite all Delta Nu_

 _Beth: That's great, nice plan_

 _Now, can we think this through?_

Beth walked up to them.

" _Harvard Law School?_ "

"I have a 4.0 average," Dakota shrugged.

"Yeah, in _Fashion Merchandising._ What makes you think you can do this?"

 _Dakota: Love!_

 _I'm doing this for love!_

 _And love will see me through_

 _Yes, with love on my side, I can't lose_

 _And Harvard can't refuse_

 _A love so pure and true_

 _Don't lawyers feel love too?_

"Even if they do..."

 _Beth: What you want_ , _sweetheart is no easy thing_

 _If you're going to swing it, it will wreck your senior spring_

 _Yeah, it's true_

 _First, you'll need an LSAT score_

 _Of more than 174_

 _So no more parties for you_

 _You'll need a killer essay or do not even hope_

 _And glowing letters from your betters_

 _Any chance you know the pope?_

"Uh, nope."

 _Too bad_

 _'Cause that would be a coup_

 _And you've got a lot of work in front of you_

 _Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra: What you want!_

 _Dakota: Yes, I know_

 _Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra: What you want!_

 _Dakota: Even so..._

 _Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra: What you want is right in front of you!_

 _Front of you!_

 _What you want!_

 _Girl, you go!_

 _What you want!_

 _Beth: No really, go!_

 _Lindsay, Kitty and_ _Sierra: What you want is right in front of you!_

 _Front of you!_

* * *

"Law school?"

"Yes, daddy. Law school!"

"Oh, God why? Law school is for boring, ugly, serious people. And you, Button, are none of those things."

 _Mr. Woods: What you want, Button_

 _Hey, you just say the word_

 _But what you want's absurd_

 _And costs a_ _whole lot of swag_

 _And heck why, Button_

 _When you can stay right here_

 _Pursue a film career_

 _Mrs. Woods: How 'bout a nice birkin bag?_

 _Mr. Woods: Yes!_

 _The East Coast is foreign_

 _There's no film studios_

 _It's cold and dark_

 _No valet parking_

 _All the girls have different noses_

 _Yikes!_

 _Button, it's like the doomed frontier_

 _Both: Tell me what's out there that you can't get right here?_

"Guys, love!"

"Love?"

 _Dakota: I'm going there for love_

"Oh, love."

 _A love I have to win_

 _I can live without sun or valet_

 _I can't just walk away_

 _Betray what might have been_

 _Mr. Woods: Fine, ok_

 _I'll pay your way if you get in!_

Dakota hugged her father.

 _Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra: What you want!_

 _Mr. and Mrs. Woods: Make the grade_

 _Lindsay, Kitty and_ _Sierra: What you want!_

 _Mr. and Mrs. Woods: And it's paid_

 _Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra: What you want is right in front of you!_

 _Front of you!_

* * *

"Hey, everybody! It's the Spring Fling Beer Bash Extreme!," Lindsay announced.

"EXTREME!"

Dakota grinned as she watched a bunch of shirtless guys run in.

Beth frowned and pulled on her arm.

"Not for you! You can either party or get into Harvard Law. Time to study. Go!"

"This year's theme!," Lindsay announced as she ran off, "Jamaica Me Crazy!"

Dakota frowned as she watched them leave.

 _Geoff: What you want, you wanna be out because the sun, she warm_

 _What you want, you wanna be study, stuck inside your dorm_

 _What you want, you wanna be party with us all night long_

 _What you want, you wanna be strong_

 _Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra: Be strong!_

Beth checked Dakota's LSAT score.

"134, not good enough. Try again. Go!"

 _Geoff: What you want, you wanna be groovin', bumpin' shake da room_

 _What you want, you wanna be provin' sumpin' and ta whom_

 _What you want, you wanna be wonderin' where your youth is gone_

 _What you want, you wanna hold on_

 _Dakota: Hold on!_

Beth checked the score again.

"151, still not Harvard material. Once again. Go!"

 _Dakota: Love_

 _Geoff: (What you want, you wanna be breathin' in the healthy air)_

 _Dakota: I'm doing this for love_

 _Geoff: (What you want, you wanna be chasin' him and he don't care)_

 _Dakota: And that's how I'll survive_

 _Geoff: (What you want, you wanna ignore the pity in their books)_

Dakota gave her test to Beth.

 _Dakota: Here you go_

 _Geoff: (What you want, you wanna say sorry, gotta hit me books)_

She turned to Geoff.

 _I said no, go away_

Geoff walked off.

 _Geoff: (What you want, you wanna sittin' like a lonely child)_

 _Dakota: Right here is where I'll stay_

 _Geoff: (What you want, you wanna be drivin' all the fellows wild)_

 _Dakota: Until that happy day_

 _Geoff: (What you want, you wanna be feelin' good to be alive!)_

 _Dakota: That day I hear them say..._

 _Beth: 175!_

 _Chorus: (175!_ _)_

 _Dakota: 175?!_

Dakota hugged Beth.

 _Chorus: 175! 175!_

* * *

"...So, gentelmen, Harvard Law grants admission to Mary Cohen and Jacques Padamedon."

"Outstanding."

"And now, Ms. Dakota Woods."

He opened Dakota's file.

"...who was kind enough to send in a headshot."

He took out a picture of Dakota.

"We should admit her! For reasons of..."

"Multiculturalism!"

"Multiculturalism!"

"Oh, gentlemen, please! Get a hold of yourselves. Oh! Look at that! Oh, what a shame. She didn't bother sending in a personal essay."

Sierra suddenly ran into the room, wearing a cheerleader uniform.

"How's _this_ for a personal essay?!"

Lindsay, Kitty and a whole marching band came into the room.

 _All: What you want!_

"Goodness me!"

 _What you want!_

"Security!"

 _What you want is right in- -!_

"Who are you?!"

Dakota appeared, wearing a grand marshal uniform.

 _Dakota: I'm what you want_

 _Harvard, I'm the girl for you_

 _All: And to prove it's true_

 _Dakota: We all flew here on Jet Blue_

 _All: Thank you!_

"Thank you!"

 _This is what Ms. Woods inspires_

 _Everyone admires her and Harvard should too_

"This is not a personal essay!"

 _Nope!_

 _An essay's so boring and so much does not fit_

 _So we're appearing live right here_

 _Making clear you must admit Dakota Woods should join the chosen few_

 _Harvard, what you want is right in front of..._

Everyone started dancing, Playing music and marching around.

 **WHOOOOOOOOOO!**

A loud whistle broke through the room, pausing the performance.

"Now see here, Ms. Woods, you can't just barge in here with singing and dancing and, _ethnic movement._ This is a very flashy presentation, but I still don't see one reason to admit you."

Dakota walked up to him.

 _Dakota: How about, love?_

He raised an eyebrow.

 _You ever been in love?_

 _'Cause if you have, you'll know_

 _That love never accepts a defeat_

 _No challenge it can't meet_

 _No place it cannot go_

 _Don't say no to a woman in love!_

 _Don't laugh when I say 'love'_

 _Don't think that I'm naive_

 _Because even a person who's smart_

 _Can listen to their heart_

 _Can listen and believe_

 _So believe in what love can achieve!_

 _Do you believe?_

"I do!"

 _Do you believe?_

"Me too!"

 _All: Yes, we believe in love!_

 _How 'bout you?_

"...welcome to Harvard!"

Everyone cheered.

 _All: What you want!_

 _Now we're set!_

 _What you want!_

 _Let's go get!_

 _What you want is right in front of you!_

 _Front of you!_

 _What you want!_

 _Now we're done!_

 _What you want!_

 _With Step One!_

 _What you want is right in front of you!_

 _Front of you!_

 _What you want!_

 _What you want!_

 _What you want!_

 _What you want!_


	4. The Harvard Variations

**Harvard Law School**

 **First Day of** **Class**

* * *

A young man with glasses walked up to a group of students sitting on a bench.

"Hello, I'm, uh, Samuel Forest. Class of aught five. Represent. Welcome to the hallowed halls of Harvard Law. I know firsthand how hard you've all worked to be here today, so let's go around and share a bit about yourselves."

"Topher Schultz."

 _Topher: I won a Fulbright and a Rhodes_

 _I write financial software codes_

 _But that's a challenge I've outgrown_

 _How many yachts can one man own?_

 _Some say that I'm a_ _pompous creep_

 _Somehow, I don't lose that much sleep_

 _Why bother with false modesty?_

 _Harvard's the perfect place for me_

 _All: Pretty impressive, good to know_

 _Sam: Welcome to Harvard_

 _Jacques: What's up?_

 _Jo: Yo!_

"Jacques Agrawal Padamadan. But you may call me, Your Majesty."

 _Jacques: In my_ _country, my word was law_

 _But then, I flee_

 _Because of stupid coup d'etat_

 _But here, I learn_

 _I make new friends_

 _And soon return in bulletproof Mercedes Benz_

 _All: Pretty impressive, good to know_

 _Sam: Welcome to Har- -_

"Jo Hoops!"

 _Jo: I did the Peace Corps overseas, inoculating refugees in family clinics that I built myself from mud and trees_

 _I fought to clean up their lagoons and save their rare, endangered loons_

 _Then led a protest march against insensitive cartoons!_

 _All: ...pretty impressive, good- -_

 _Jo: But now, I'm on the legal track because this country's out of whack and only women have the guts to go and take it back_

 _We'll make the government come clean and get more people voting green and really stick it to the phallocentric war machine!_

"I love your top! It is _so_ fatigue chic!"

Dakota smiled as she walked up to the group with Bruiser in her arms.

" _So,_ how psyched are you guys?," she snapped her fingers, "Snaps! First day of Harvard Law!"

Silence.

"I'm Dakota Woods. And this is Bruiser Woods," she gestured to her dog.

"Jo."

"Oh my God! Is that short for Josephine?"

"Oh my God, it is!," Jo said, mocking Dakota's voice.

They both laughed until Jo suddenly stopped and glared at her.

"Never call me that again."

"Uh, we were just going around the circle. Why don't you tell us something about yourself?," Sam asked.

 _"Me?"_

Sam nodded.

"Ok," Dakota smiled and sat down, "Well, I'm a Gemini with a double-Capricorn moon, and I have a Bachelor's degree from UCLA where I was Sig Ep Sweetheart, president of Delta Nu sorority, and founded the charity 'Shop for a Cause.' "

"Huh."

"Oh! And just last week at Fred Segal, I talked Beyonce out of buying a truly heinous cable-knit tube top. Whoever said tangerine is the new pink is seriously disturbed."

"...I did not know that."

"Does anyone know where I can find Criminal Law 101 with Professor McLean? And Justin Huntington III?"

"Uh, actually, we're all heading there, so I'm sure someone would be happy to show you."

But when Sam turned around, he saw that the other students had already left. He sighed and turned back to Dakota.

"It's in Hauser, over there. Second building on the left."

"Thank you."

Dakota got up and began to walk to class.

"You know, I don't think _dogs_ are exactly allowed in class," Sam told her.

"Oh, Bruiser's not a dog, Bruiser's family. I'll just drop him off at my room. He'd be happier there anyway."

She put her hand over Bruiser's ear and whispered to Sam.

" _Bruiser loves Days of Our Lives!_ I'll see you later then!"

She waved goodbye and walked back to her room.

* * *

 _Topher: I won a Fulbright and a Rhodes..._

 _Jacques: In my country, my word..._

 _Jo: I did the Peace Corps overseas, inoculating refugees..._

 _All: Harvard's the_ _perfect place for me_

 _Harvard's the perfect place for..._

"Justin!"

Dakota's eyes widened when she saw her ex-boyfriend appear in the middle of the crowd.

 _Ahhhhh..._

"Excuse me."

 _Ahhhhh..._

"Pardon me."

 _Ahhhhh..._

"COMING THROUGH!"

 _Harvard's the perfect place for me_

 _Pretty_ _impressive, good to know_

 _Welcome to Harvard_

"D?"

"Hm? Oh my God, Justin! I totally forgot you go here!"


	5. Blood in the Water

_Chris: Now, when you choose a law_ _career, the moment you embark_

 _There is that joke you're bound to hear, 'a lawyer is a shark'_

 _Ignore that, it's simplistic and it's dumb_

 _Only some of you will turn out sharks, just some_

 _The rest are chum_

 _Our topic is, blood in the water_

 _Kids, it's time you faced_

 _Law school is a waste_

 _Oh yes, unless, you require a taste for_

 _Blood in the water_

 _Dark and red and raw_

 _You're nothing until the thrill of the kill_

 _Becomes your only law_

"Mr. Schultz? Hypothetical question. Would you be willing to defend the following banker accused of fraud?"

 _A kind old grandma took her savings and she sent it_

 _Off to your client, all she saved since she was born_

 _Well, he promised to invest it, but he spent it_

 _On prostitutes and heroin and porn_

"No, I would not wanna take that case."

 _Wrong!_

 _This one is a win unless you're lazy!_

 _Grandma's broke, she'll have some hack from Legal Aid_

 _Put her on the stand and call her old and crazy_

 _Your guy goes free and he can get you high and laid_

 _Look for the blood in the water_

 _Read your Thomas Hobbes_

 _Only spineless snobs_

 _Will quarrel with the morally dubious jobs_

 _Yes, blood in the water_

 _Your scruples are a flaw_

"Ms. Hoops? Hypothetical question. Would you be the right lawyer for the following client?"

 _Say they offer you a bundle for defending_

 _A famous hitman for the mafia elite_

 _Seems he missed his chosen prey, killed a nun and drove away_

 _Running over three cute puppies in the street_

"What? You think I wouldn't defend him just because he's a typical man?"

Jo chuckled and Chris laughed along with her.

"Oh, you lesbians think you're so tough."

"Excuse me, sir!," Jo said, standing up.

 _Oh dear, I fear my comment has offended_

 _Hard to argue, though when you're too mad to speak_

 _Your employment will be very quickly ended_

 _When they see how your emotions make you weak_

 _So, what's my point? I run a billion dollar law firm_

 _And I hire four new interns every year_

 _From this class I will select four young sharks whom I respect_

 _And those four will have a_ _guaranteed career_

 _Do you follow me?_

 _So, I wanna see what?_

 _Students: Blood in the water_

 _Chris: Exactly_

 _Let the_ _games begin_

 _Students: (Hmmmmm...)_

 _Chris: Four of you will win_

 _But just those four with a dorsal fin_

 _Yes, blood in the water_

 _So bite and scratch and claw_

Dakota raised her hand.

"Yes, miss, uh..."

"Woods, Dakota Woods."

"Well, someone's had their morning coffee. Could you summarize the case of State of Indiana v. Hearne from your reading, please?"

"...oh. I wanted to answer the puppy question."

"But I'm asking you about the assigned reading."

"Ok, who assigns reading for the first day of class?"

Dakota laughed while the other students just watched with wide eyes.

"You have guts, Ms. Woods."

Chris walked over to Courtney, a student who was sitting next to Justin.

"Ms. Kensington?"

 _Let us say you teach a class at Harvard Law School_

 _A position that you're justly proud about_

 _But a girl on whom you call hasn't read the case at all_

 _Should you let it go or- -_

"No, I'd throw her out."

Dakota's jaw dropped.

 _...alright then_

 _You heard your classmate_

 _Students: (Oooooh...)_

 _Chris: You have just been killed_

 _Students: (_ _Oooooh...)_

 _Chris: She cut your throat, so grab your coat_

 _Yes, you've got guts but_

 _All: Now they're spilled!_

 _Chris: Your blood's in the water!_

 _So would you please withdraw_

 _And if you return, be ready to learn_

 _Or is it unfair?_

 _Oh wait! I don't care!_

 _That's just how I roll_

 _In life as in school_

 _With fear and shock and awe_

 _Your nothing until..._

 _Students: (Blood in the water!)_

 _Chris: ...the thrill of the kill..._

 _Students: (Blood in the water!)_

 _Chris: ...becomes your only law!_

 _Students: (Blood in the water!)_

 _Chris: Your only law!_

 _Students: (Blood in the water!)_

 _Chris: You only law!_

 _Students: (Blood in the water!)_

 _All: Blood in the water!_


	6. Positive

_Kitty: Honey, what you cryin' at?_

 _You're not losing him to that_

Kitty looked at Courtney and frowned.

 _Both her hair and shoes are flat_

 _And why is she so rude?_

 _Lindsay: Wipe your tears, it's no big thing_

 _You were meant to wear his ring_

 _Cheer up, chin up_

 _It's time to bring_

 _All: A happy attitude!_

 _Keep it positive!_

 _Lindsay: As you slap her to the floor!_

 _All: Keep it positive!_

 _Kitty: As you pull her hair and call her a whore!_

 _Sierra: You can take her in a fight_

 _Lindsay: You and he will reunite_

 _All: You know we're right_

 _We're positive!_

"Kill her!"

Everyone in the Greek Chorus started yelling and preparing to fight Courtney.

"Girls! Girls!"

 _Dakota: Violence is never wise_

 _Not the way to win back guys_

 _Anyway, she's twice my size_

 _Who's got a Plan B?_

 _Sierra: Uh, me?_

 _Look at her, she's like a nun_

 _Show him you are way more fun_

 _Bust out the lap dance and you've won_

 _You off the hizzle, G!_

"What?"

 _All: Keep it positive!_

 _Lindsay: Yeah! Let out your inner freak!_

 _All: Keep it positive!_

 _Sierra: Ms. Prissy-Pants won't last a week!_

 _Kitty: You will whet his appetite_

 _Lindsay: You and he will reunite_

 _All: You know we're right_

 _We're positive!_

 _We're positive!_

 _We're positive!_

 _We're posi- -_

"Oh my God, you're making me sick!"

"Really, _are we?_ "

Dakota turned around and saw Courtney and Justin standing near her.

"Justin, let's take this back to my place," Courtney suggested with a smirk.

As they walked off, Dakota's face turned red with anger.

 _Ahhhh_

 _Hey! Hey! Hey!_

 _Be positive!_

 _Kitty: That he loves you_

 _All: And not her!_

 _Lindsay: You're hotter!_

 _Sierra: And I bet you're_

 _All: Smarter!_

 _Lindsay: She don't know the real him_

 _Sierra: You feel him_

 _Kitty: So don't let her steal him!_

 _Lindsay: Wake him up like_

 _All: Sleeping Beautay!_

 _Kitty: Turn his head with your_

 _All: Red hot bootay!_

 _We'll bring the noise if you bring the funk_

 _Sierra: It's positively time to_

 _All: Shake your junk!_

 _Shake, shake, shake, shake_

 _Shake, shake, shake_

 _Shake, shake, shake, whoo!_

Dakota and the Greek Chorus started dancing around and having fun. But Dakota suddenly stopped when she realized Justin and Courtney had already left.

"Girls, how is this helping? He's not even here! He left while we were shaking junk!"

Her eyes suddenly widened in realization.

"WAIT!"

 _Dakota: Girls, I'm positive_

 _That we've taken this too far_

 _No, I'm positive_

 _This is Harvard, not a stripper bar_

 _All this trashy carrying on_

 _That's the reason that he's gone_

 _I need a salon_

"Yeah!"

 _Girls, I'm positive_

 _And try not to get upset_

 _But I'm positive_

 _It is time for me to go brunette_

"WHAT?!"

 _Being blonde and being hot_

 _That got me exactly squat_

 _Gotta show him I got more to give_

 _Greek Chorus: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!_

 _Dakota: No, I'm positive_

 _Greek_ _Chorus: You positive?_

 _Dakota: I'm positive_

 _Greek Chorus: You're positive?_

 _Dakota: I'm positive_

 _Greek Chorus: You're positive, really positive_

 _Positive!_


	7. Ireland

"D, do you know the number one reason behind _all_ bad hair decisions?," Stephanie, the hairdresser asked Dakota.

"..."

"Love."

 _Stephanie: You're lost without your love_

 _Your heart is on the floor_

 _I can help you, I've been there before_

 _When I need to relax, I just put on some tracks_

 _From this CD I bought for the store_

Stephanie turned on the CD player and relaxing music started playing.

"Isn't that relaxing?"

Dakota smiled and closed her eyes.

"It's called _Celtic Moods!_ "

 _When I'm lonely or feeling dejected_

 _I play this, and it never fails_

 _I pretend like I'm in Ireland_

 _With Enya and the whales_

 _When my telephone gets disconnected_

 _Or I spend every night alone_

 _I pretend like I'm in Ireland_

 _Where the Irish bagpipes drone_

 _Smell the grass as a rainstorm is endin'_

 _People smile while I stroll past their farms_

 _With a brave, handsome sailor named Brendan_

 _And we dance without moving our arms_

 _In a bar once, I met this guy, Duncan_

 _And he bought me like, fourteen beers_

 _And he told me that he was from Ireland_

 _So I lived with him, ten years_

 _If I squinted, he looked like my sailor_

 _Through my boozy, delusional fog_

 _But he dumped me for some slut named Kayla!_

 _Took my trailer and took my dog!_

 _In Ireland, they know how to love you!_

 _You embrace in the misty, Irish breeze_

 _And if your Irish boy tires of you_

 _You're allowed to shoot him in the knees!_

 _Hey, you look like that poster for Ireland_

 _Long blonde hair and that sweet, sunny face_

 _Oh no, wait, that's the poster for Sweden_

 _Oh, screw it_

 _I'll never see either place_

 _But a girl sweet as you has a future_

 _You have hope as each new day dawns_

 _Girls like you always get to see Ireland_

 _Give my love to the leprechauns_


	8. Ireland Reprise

"D, if a girl like you can't win back a man, then there is no hope for the rest of us! You go and you fight for him!," Stephanie encouraged as Dakota left the store.

 _Stephanie: The Irish fear nothing and no one!_

 _They keep fightin' 'till everyone's dead!_

 _I'm not sure where this metaphor's going_

 _I just felt like it had to be said!_

 _There's a guy at that party who loves you_

 _Something most of us only dream of_

 _You go out there and you get some Ireland_

 _The country of whisky..._

 _...and looooooooooove!_


	9. Serious Reprise

Justin smiled as he spoke to Dakota at the party. (Dakota was wearing a playboy bunny costume because Courtney lied and told her it was a costume party).

"I still can't believe you're here, at Harvard. Back at UCLA, I never would've guessed it. Sometimes, I miss the old days."

 _Justin: Those parties senior year, I thought we ruled the world_

 _Dakota: You funneled all that beer, I held your head when you hurled_

 _Justin: We were like gods back then, walking among common men_

 _Tell me, why can't it be that way again?_

 _Dakota: Dreams don't just disappear_

 _We could keep on dreaming them here_

 _Justin: What?_

 _Dakota: Like senior year, but funner!_

 _You've got your future all planned_

 _Justin: (Yes I do, guess I do)_

 _Dakota: What if I'm standing there too?_

 _Justin: Wait, I'm not following you_

 _Dakota: I'm here 'cause I understand_

 _Justin: Not sure I understand_

 _Dakota: I'm here 'cause I'm serious_

"Yeah, right. You look _real_ serious," Justin rolled his eyes.


	10. Chip On Your Shoulder

Dakota left the party sadly, crying softly as she sat down on a bench outside.

Sam walked by and noticed Dakota. He stopped and stood next to her.

"Whoa, D. What's up...Doc?," he added, noticing her costume.

"..."

 _Dakota: ...love_

"Excuse me?"

 _I put my faith in love_

 _I followed where it led_

"Love led you here?"

 _To my personal circle of Hell_

 _It has not worked out well_

 _I wish that I were dead_

 _'Cause instead of a wedding and love_

 _I'm flunking out of school_

 _A total laughing stock_

 _Someone he and his friends can just mock_

 _So, go on, here's my head_

 _Just hit it with a rock!_

"Wait."

Sam stopped her outburst.

"Go back."

 _Sam: You came out here to follow a man?_

 _Harvard Law was just part of that plan?_

 _Man, what rich, romantic planet are you from?_

"Malibu?"

 _Instead of lying outside by the pool, you stalk some guy to an Ivy League school_

 _That's the weirdest reason I have- -_

"Well, why'd you come?"

"...ok."

Sam sat down next to her and proceeded to tell her his backstory.

 _I grew up in the Roxbury slums_

 _With my mom and a series of bums_

 _Guys who showed me all the ways a man can fail_

 _I got through law school by busting my ass_

 _Worked two jobs in addition to class_

 _So forgive me for not weeping at your tale_

"Well, excuse me just because you've got a chip on your shoulder."

"You know what? You're right."

 _There's a chip on my shoulder_

 _And it's big as a boulder_

 _With the chance I've been given,_ _I'm gonna be driven as Hell_

 _I'm so close, I can taste it_

 _So I'm not gonna waste it_

 _Yeah, there's a chip on my shoulder_

 _You might wanna get one as well_

"I'm sorry, but that sounds highly negative."

"Hey, I'm just being honest. When you weren't born into privilege, you gotta work twice as hard."

"Wait! Two jobs _plus_ law school?"

"I haven't slept since 2007."

Dakota sighed, "How do you do it?"

"Well..."

 _I don't go to parties a lot_

 _Not good use of the time that I've got_

 _Can't spend hours doing my hair and staying in shape_

"I don't spend hours."

 _But I know it'll all be worth while when I win my first_ _lucrative trial_

 _And buy my mom that great big house out on the cape_

"Aw, that's so sweet!"

 _No, that's the chip on my shoulder_

 _I hugged my mom and told her_

 _With the chance I've been given,_ _I'm gonna be driven as Hell_

 _No, I can't take the day off_

 _I just think of the pay-off_

 _You need a chip on your shoulder_

 _Little miss Woods comma D_

"No I don't! I just need to prove to everyone that I'm serious!"

"What you _need_ is to get to work."

* * *

Dakota brought Sam to her dorm room.

"Make yourself at home," she said before walking into her closet to change out of her costume.

Sam looked at the room. The walls had been painted pink, her bed sheets were pink, the curtains were pink, almost _everything_ was pink.

"Hello, Kitty."

Sam chuckled as he walked around. He noticed a few cans of Blue Bronco on one of the shelves.

"You drink a lot of Blue Bronco, don't ya?"

"IT GIVES ME ENERGY!"

"For when you're up late, studying?"

"What?"

"I said _studying!_ "

Sam looked by Dakota's vanity and noticed none of her law books were out.

"You do study, don't you? Where are those law books?"

"Oh, um...They're under the, um..."

"Under the...?"

"The pile of..."

Dakota came out of her closet wearing a pink shirt and blue jeans.

"Pile of...?"

"There!"

Dakota took a pink feather boa off of her desk. Sam picked up a fashion magazine that was under it.

"They're here somewhere," Dakota frowned.

Sam looked at her vanity again.

"You know..."

 _This vanity's real picturesque_

 _But it started it's life as a desk_

 _Clear it off and make some room for books instead_

He handed Dakota the waste basket and started putting all her stuff in it.

"What're you doing?"

 _Can you live without this?_

 _Can you live without that?_

 _I don't know what this is_

"It's for hair."

"Wear a hat."

 _Spend some time improving what's inside your head_

 _Out, out, put it in storage_

 _Sell it MeBay_

 _Leave it behind_

 _Out, out, what? Are you angry?_

 _Good, so get angry_

 _You may find the chip on your shoulder_

"UGH!"

 _Ooh, the room just got colder_

"Hey!"

 _But with the chance you've been given, why are you not driven as Hell?_

 _There's just no way around it_

 _You gotta plow through 'till you- -_

"Found it!"

Sam smiled until Dakota brought him the book; It was still covered in plastic wrap from when she got it.

 _Been reading it hard, I can tell_

* * *

 _Greek Chorus: 'Tis a gift to be simple_

 _'Tis a gift to be free_

 _Hmmmmm..._

* * *

"Bye, Justin! Happy Thanksgiving! Say hi to your mom and dad for me! And Grandma Bootsy!"

Sam was sitting at Dakota's desk with his laptop and he had a can of Blue Bronco in his hand.

"What is this? My second? My third? I don't know, but I am _loving it._ "

He took another sip from the can.

"Ah. Define malum prohibitum."

"Malum prohibitum. Malum prohibitum is, um..."

"An act prohibited by- -"

"An act prohibited by law, like jaywalking or shewing gum in Singapore."

"Therefore malum in se means..."

"Malum in se is an action that's evil in itself, assault, murder, white shoes after Labor Day."

Sam chuckled, "Good."

He noticed Dakota grabbing her purse.

"Where are you going?"

"Home of course. It's Thanksgiving Break, remember?"

Sam closed his laptop.

"Interesting."

"What?"

"Well..."

 _Sam: I predict you will probably pass_

"Yes!"

 _In the bottom percent of your class_

"What?"

 _If you're going for mediocre, you've done great_

"That's not fair."

 _Look, they laughed at me like their laughing at you_

 _We can't win if we don't follow through_

 _Might I venture your vacation plans can wait_

"Why do you always have to be right?"

* * *

 _Greek Chorus: Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ria_

 _In excelsis deo_

* * *

"Bye, Justin! Merry Christmas! Enjoy Vail!"

"Ok, now focus, D! Focus!"

Stephanie was sitting on Dakota's bed, holding flashcards.

"Now, the case of Russell vs. Sullivan."

"Determined that Russell was legally the child's father, even though he was just a sperm donor."

"Gold star!"

They both squealed and hugged each other.

"Ho ho ho!"

Dakota turned around and saw Sam at the door.

"Sam! Uh, this is my friend, Stephanie."

"Hi."

"Hey there," Stephanie smiled.

Sam walked up to Dakota and gave her a present.

"Um, for you. Not as good as going home for Christmas, but..."

Dakota smiled and accepted the present.

"You are too sweet."

"It's a real time saver. Shampoo and conditioner in one."

"Ah!," Dakota screamed in delight.

"Hair care? I love this guy," Stephanie smiled.

"Me too!"

Stephanie's eyes suddenly widened and sh walked towards the door.

"Oh! Well, I'll just leave you two alone then. I'll see you later, D."

Stephanie walked out the door, leaving Dakota and Sam alone.

Then Dakota suddenly wrapped her arms around Sam and hugged him tightly.

"Thank you. You are so adorable to think of me."

"Well, I- -"

"Dakota, hey!," Justin suddenly walked in.

"Justin!"

Dakota immediately let go of Sam and started posing and smiling.

"Have you seen Courtney? I've been looking for her everywhere."

"Yeah," Dakota laughed, "Uh, I mean no."

Justin groaned, "Great. We're gonna miss our flight."

He walked out of the room.

Dakota was still posing and smiling obliviously.

Sam looked at the door, and then back at Dakota.

"Um...D?"

 _Sam: I don't know if you've noticed before_

 _But each time Justin walks through the door_

 _Your IQ goes down to 40, maybe less_

Dakota snapped out of her daze, "Huh?"

 _Though it's hardly my business to say_

 _Could it be the real thing in your way_

 _Is the very guy you're trying to impress?_

Dakota's eyes widened.

"...yes."

 _Dakota: I've been smiling 'n sweet_ _'n thoroughly beaten, blowing my chance_

 _Let's not chase him away, let's face him and say, 'hey punk, let's dance!'_

 _This chip on my shoulder_

 _Makes me smarter and bolder_

 _No more whining or blaming_

 _I am reclaiming my pride!_

 _Grab that book and let's do this_

 _Instead of doodling hearts all through this_

 _Now there's a chip on my shoulder_

 _Let's see him knock it aside_

* * *

 _Greek Chorus:_ _Ohhhhh..._

 _Daughter of Delta Nu_

 _Show 'em that you're no fool_

 _Daughter of Delta Nu_

 _Go back to school with a big chip on your shoulder!_

* * *

"Mr. Latimer wasn't stalking, he was clearly within his rights to ask for visitation. Russell vs. Sullivan," Justin spoke in McLean's class.

"But Russell was known to the mother. Latimer was an anonymous donor."

"Well yeah, but without Mr. Latimer's sperm, the child in question wouldn't exist."

"Now you're thinking like a lawyer," McLean smiled.

Everyone congratulated Justin for his skills.

Dakota raised her hand.

"Yes, Ms. Woods?"

"Mr. Huntington makes an excellent point, but did the defendant keep a log of every sperm admission made throughout his life?"

"Interesting, why do you ask?"

"Well, unless the defendant attempted to contact every sexual encounter to find if a child resulted from _those_ unions, he has no parental claim over _this_ child whatsoever. Why now? Why this sperm?"

"I see your point."

" _And,_ by Mr. Huntington's standard, all masturbatory admissions where this sperm was clearly not seeking an egg could be called reckless abandonment."

"...Ms. Woods, you've just won your case."

Dakota's eyes widened.

 _Dakota: Oh my God..._

 _Greek Chorus: (Wait, hold on, we just won the case)_

 _Dakota: Oh my God..._

 _Greek Chorus: (D got all up in Justin's face)_

 _Dakota: Oh my God..._

 _Greek Chorus: (I am starting to like this place)_

 _Dakota: Oh my God!_

 _All: Oh my God!_

"Ms. Woods, excellent work today," McLean said as class ended, "I assume you're applying for my internship. Do you have a resume?"

"I'm one step ahead of you," Dakota took a pink sheet of paper out of her bag and handed it to McLean, "Here you go, and thanks in advance for your consideration."

She held in a loud squeal as she walked out of the classroom.

McLean held the resume up to his face and sniffed it.

"Dear God, it's scented," he turned to Sam, "Three months ago, I would've recycled this. Make sure to put it on file."

He handed the resume to Sam and walked off.

Sam looked at the resume in his hands and smiled.

 _Sam: Guess she got a chip on her shoulder_

 _Maybe some wise man told her_

 _With the chance we've been given, we gotta be driven as Hell!_

 _She was something to see there_

 _I'm just happy I could be there_

 _First big test and she aced it_

 _She's so close, she can taste it_

 _She got a chip on her shoulder_

 _Guess you never can tell..._

 _With little Miss Woods comma D!_

 _Greek Chorus: (D Woods! Woods comma D!)_

 _(Chip on her shoulder!)_

 _(D Woods! Woods comma D!)_

 _(Chip on her shoulder!)_

 _Sam: You never can tell..._

 _All: With little Miss_ _Woods comma D!_


	11. So Much Better

Dakota watched sadly as Justin and Courtney kissed. Justin had just proposed to Courtney right in front of her and everyone else.

And she said yes.

 _Dakota: All of this time I planned_

 _I'd be patient and_

 _You would love me again_

 _You'd come to respect my mind_

 _And at last you'd find_

 _You could love me again_

 _And I have turned my whole world upside down_

 _Trying not to let you go_

 _Watching you walk away is like a fatal bloom_

Sam tapped her shoulder and showed her the list of interns for McLean's law firm.

 **Justin Huntington III**

 **Courtney Kensington**

 **Josephine Hoops**

 **Dakota Woods**

"Whoa!"

 _Is that my name up on that list?_

 _Does someone know that I exist?_

 _Is this a mistake?_

 _Am I even awake?_

 _Pinch me now to make sure_

Sam pinched her arm.

"Ow!"

 _Yes, that's my name in black and white_

 _Maybe I'm doing something right_

 _Wow!_

 _I feel so much better than before_

"Justin?"

 _Sorry I've been a pest, but I guess my best was not working with you_

 _But looks like I found a cure and I so look forward to working with you_

"What? Working with who?"

 _Hey, remember when we spent Spring Break in the hot tub every night?_

 _Courtney: Every night?_

 _Dakota: We said nothing else could ever feel so right_

 _Well this might!_

 _Seeing my name up on that list_

 _That beats the first time that we kissed_

 _Thought I was dumb, but I think that somebody's judgement was poor_

 _Seeing my name in black and white_

 _It's like making love with you all night_

 _No, wait!_

 _It feels so much better_

 _Hello? Much better_

 _It's oh-oh-oh-oh-OH!_

 _Much better_

 _'Cause I am so much better than before_

 _Chorus: (Yes, she's so much better than before! Yes, she's so much better than before!)_

 _Dakota: Maybe she's what you prefer_

 _But hey, last year, I was her_

 _Maybe you will change your mind_

 _But you might look up to find_

 _I've gone on to better things_

 _Better jobs or bigger rings_

 _I don't have the time to cry_

 _I'm to busy loving my name up on that list_

 _Kind of a cool, ironic twist_

 _Who else can I tell?_

 _Ooh! Wait, where's my cell?_

 _Mom will fall on the floor_

Dakota took out her phone and called her mother.

 _Hey mom!_

 _Look at my name in black and white_

 _Your daughter's doing something right_

 _And I feel so much better_

 _I'll be there on Monday, nine o'clock_

 _Then we will see who walks the walk_

 _No no, I can't wait!_

 _I will be there at eight_

 _When they open the door_

 _Oh! Oh!_

 _I'll even dress in black and white_

 _See I have not begun to fight_

 _And you'll go_

 _Whoa! Much better_

 _Hello! Much better_

 _And soon, all y'all gonna know much better_

 _That I am so much better..._

 _(I am so much better)_

 _I am so much better..._

 _(I am so much)_

 _I am so much better..._

 _...than before!_


	12. Whipped Into Shape

The TV turned on and a woman with short black hair, a blue sweatband, tank top, sweatpants and sneakers appeared holding a jump rope on her shoulders.

"Hi! I'm Gwen Wyndham! And welcome back to the Wyndham workout Disc 2 challenge! And our daily commitment to being the best that we can be!"

"YEAH!"

"So grab your CardioWhip 5000, 'cause if you wanna get ripped, you gotta get whipped."

 _Gwen: Do you want an easy miracle? Do you wanna lose a pound or two?_

 _Then you can turn this off right now, my workout's not for you_

 _I'm talking to the woman who wants it all_

 _Gotta pay for what you get_

 _'Cause size two clothes don't come to those too lazy to sweat_

 _I want you whipped into shape_

 _When I say jump, say how high_

 _You know you're doing it right when you start to cry_

 _If you don't look like you should_

 _You've got to..._

 _Chorus: Whip it! Whip it! Whip it good!_

 _Gwen: I'm sorry, ladies, no escape_

 _Until you're whipped into shape!_

"Come on, Sabrina, you heifer! Work it out!"

 _Chorus: (Whipped into shape!)_

"I hate you, Gwen! And I love you for it!"

 _Whipped into sh- -_

"Hey, why'd you pause it?," Jo asked McLean who was holding the remote.

"We have a lot to cover."

 _Chris: Meet our brand new client, Gwen_

 _You can laugh, but she's made tons_

 _Off her DVDs and book: Whip_ _Your Way to Tighter Buns_

 _Happily married, so she swears_

 _To her fifty-year-old stud_

 _'Till stepdaughter came downstairs_

 _And found Gwen all covered in his blood_

 _If Gwen took a plea, I'd have her out in three to four_

 _But she claims she did not kill him_

 _Justin: Did she?_

 _Chris: Let's watch some more_

Chris pressed play and the video resumed.

 _Gwen: But it's more than just a workout_

 _It's a defensive weapon, too_

 _Simply wrap it 'round your assailant's neck and pull 'till he turns blue_

 _You can also use the patented handle grip to shatter your attacker's spine_

 _And all for three small payments of $19.99!_

 _You'll have him whipped into shape_

 _When you get grief from a guy_

 _Just work him over with this 'till he starts to cry_

 _If he don't act like he should_

 _You've got to..._

 _Chorus: Whip it! Whip it! Whip it good!_

 _Gwen: It gets you out of any scrape_

 _And gets you whipped into shape!_

"Come on, people!"

 _Chorus: (Whipped into_ _shape!)_

"What doesn't kill us makes us hotter!"

 _Whi- -_

"Hands who thinks she's guilty?"

Everyone but Dakota raised their hand.

 _Chris: Ok, now here is where you kids come in_

 _Gwen has trouble trusting me_

 _I'm her only chance to win, but I don't speak MTV_

 _Though Gwen won't help her own defense, she may listen to her peers_

 _Go and place a little sense in the space between her ears_

 _Dakota: I'm a Delta Nu and- -_

"Not now."

 _Chris: I want her whipped into shape_

 _If there's a brain in that hair, tell it that I am the key_

 _It's a plea or the chair_

 _See when I talk to her, I get neither plea nor plan nor alibi_

 _To quote from our defendant's tape_

 _I want her whipped into shape_

 _To the jail!_

* * *

"Ladies, just because we're at Boston Woman's Correctional Facility, does not mean we can't become the best that we can be! Here we go!"

Gwen was leading a workout session in the prison.

"Circle, circle, under, over, through, around! Again!"

The other prisoners copied her moves.

"Good! Circle, circle, under, over, through, around! Alright, ladies, we can't break out of here, but we sure can break a sweat!"

She started to pick up the pace.

"Left! Right!"

The other prisoners were quick to catch up.

"Left! Right! Good!"

 _"Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right!"_

"Work it out!"

 _All: I want you whipped into shape_

 _When I say jump, say how high_

 _You know you're doing it right when you start to cry_

 _If you don't look like you should_

 _Gwen: You've got to..._

 _Prisoners: Whip it! Whip it! Whip it good!_

 _Gwen: Like prison, ladies, no escape_

 _'Till you're whipped into shape!_

 _(Whip it! Whip it!)_

 _Whipped into shape!_

 _(Whip it!)_

"Swipe it, swipe it, swipe it through! Check it out, double jump!"

 _"Swipe it, swipe it, swipe it through! Check it out, double jump!"_

"That's right! You've got it!"

 _All: Whip it! Whip it! Whip it!_

 _Get whipped_ _into shape!_


	13. Take It Like A Man

Dakota brought Sam to small store near the law firm. When they walked inside, Sam's eyes widened to dish-size.

"What is this place?"

"It's called...a department store."

"It's... _it's beautiful._ "

"Shh."

 _Dakota: First, a deep breath_

They both took a deep breath.

 _Take it all in_

 _Feel all those halogens warming your skin_

 _Smell how they pump in pure oxygen_

 _See? They care_

"Love?"

"Excuse me?," Sam turned to one of the employees _,_ who held up a perfume bottle.

"Love, the new fragrance from Janel."

"Oh, no thank you," Sam said politely.

Dakota put a hand on his shoulder.

 _I know you're scared_

 _Nevertheless_

 _Think of the people you want to impress_

 _Swallow your pride for me, just nod yes_

 _And prepare_

 _'Cause something's in the air!_

"I think it's Love."

"Exactly!"

 _Here you'll become what you're supposed to be_

 _You think you can't, but you can_

 _Think of the guy you want most to be_

 _Here's your chance to make it, so take it like a man_

Dakota walked off to talk to one of the employees, while Sam just watched in confusion.

 _Sam: What does she want?_

 _Not really sure_

 _Why can't we leave things the way that they were?_

 _Why can I never say no to her?_

 _What's that smell?_

"Subtext, by Kevin Clare," another employee showed him another perfume bottle.

She put down the bottle and showed him some shirts.

 _That I don't like_

 _That's kinda neat_

He took the second one, but frowned when he saw the third.

 _Guys who wear that, get beat up on my street_

 _Still, I've come this far_

 _I can't just run and flee_

 _I'm in the hands of D_

"What the hell!"

 _Both: Here you'll become what you're supposed to be_

 _You think you can't, but you can_

 _Think of the guy you want most to be_

 _Here's your chance to make it, so take it like a man_

Sam went into the dressing room to change while Dakota stood outside.

 _Dakota: God I love shopping for guys_

 _Sam: Ok, this is strange_

 _Dakota: Watching them change right before my eyes_

 _Sam: Don't watch me change_

 _Dakota: Look at him, striking a pose_

 _His confidence grows_

 _He'll bloom like a rose!_

"It's just clothes!"

 _God I love shopping for men_

 _Sam: Ok, this is nice_

 _Dakota:They walk in at two, they walk out at ten_

 _Sam: Is this the price?!_

 _Dakota: Don't worry, this is my treat_

 _There's someone I'd like you to meet_

Dakota brought Sam to the mirror and they both stared at his reflection.

"...whoa," they said in unison.

"I look like Justin," Sam noted.

"Yeah," Dakota nodded.

Sam smiled.

"But it's just me."

Dakota smiled.

 _That's the best part_

 _The outside is new_

 _Now it reflects what's already in you_

 _Couldn't change that if I wanted to_

"And I do not."

"Thank you."

"No thank _you_."

 _This is no gift, it's payment in kind_

 _'Cause you saw beyond all the blonde to my mind_

 _Oh, we've got to buy this! What are you, blind?_

 _You look hot!_

 _Is he not hot?_

 _Employees: He's hot, hot, hot, hot!_

 _Dakota and Sam: Here you'll become what you're supposed to be_

 _You think you can't, but you can_

 _Think of the guy you want most to be_

Sam looked at his reflection again.

 _Not quite the guy I'd of chose to be_

He looked at Dakota who was paying for the clothes.

 _But when she's standing so close to me_

He smiled brightly.

 _I think I like her plan!_

 _Dakota: Here's your chance to make it_

 _Sam: Your chance to make it!_

 _Dakota: So take it like..._

 _Sam: So take it like..._

 _Both: A man!_


	14. Bend and Snap

The Greek Chorus versions of Lindsay, Kitty and Sierra appeared in Stephanie's salon to help her learn the "bend and snap."

 _Kitty: Look at my ass, look at my thighs_

 _I'm catnip to the guys_

 _They chase my tail, they drool and pant_

 _Wanna touch this, but they can't_

 _Lindsay and Sierra: No!_

 _Kitty: All the boys wanna come and play_

 _Snap my fingers and they obey_

 _Why do they follow me around all day?_

 _Watch me while I walk away_

 _I bend and snap!_

 _Feel how hot it's getting?_

 _Bend and snap!_

 _Then when you got 'em sweatin'_

 _Lindsay and Sierra: Spring the trap_

 _They cheer and clap_

 _Kitty: No tight end can defend_

 _Against the bend and snap!_

"Oh that's easy for you to say," Stephanie rolled her eyes.

"And you!," Lindsay put her hands on Stephanie's shoulders.

 _Lindsay: Girl, if you wanna make the team_

 _Then fake some self-esteem_

 _Sierra: The more you jump around and scream_

 _Then the sexier you seem_

"Please."

 _Stephanie:_ _Sorry girls, that ain't how I play_

 _This wouldn't work if I tried all day_

 _I gotta go get my asthma spray_

 _Watch me while I walk away_

"No wait before you walk away," Lindsay stopped her.

 _All: Just bend and snap!_

"OW!"

"Look how good you're getting!," Lindsay smiled.

 _Bend and snap!_

 _Sierra: I bet right now you're sweatin'_

 _All: Spring the trap_

 _They cheer and clap_

 _So depend on your friend called the bend..._

Dakota pulled Stephanie aside and smiled reassuringly.

 _Dakota: It's not the time to overthink_

 _Just try it once, he'll buy you a drink_

Dakota dropped her bracelet on the floor and bent down to pick it up. Then she did the bend and snap.

One of the customers walked up to her.

"Excuse me, will you teach me that? I am tired of living alone with my cat."

"Sure!"

Dakota showed her how to do it as one of the employees walked up to them.

"Nowadays, I do dye jobs and curls, but here's how we did it in the Laker Girls!"

Soon, everyone but Stephanie started dancing.

"Come on, Stephanie!," Sierra urged.

"Doesn't this look fun?," Lindsay asked.

"Works every time!," some guy smiled.

Kitty put a hand on Stephanie's shoulder.

"Look, do it, and we'll go away."

"Ok ok ok ok!," Stephanie bent over.

 _Bend...and SNAP!_

Suddenly, several guys turned towards Stephanie.

 _"Damn!"_

Stephanie's eyes widened.

 _...hey, wait a second, when I beckoned_

 _Look how the guys came runnin'_

 _Like I'm..._

 _Guys: Kickin'_

 _Stephanie: Finger..._

 _Guys: Lickin'_

 _Stephanie: Like I'm frickin'_

 _Guys: Wicked stunnin'!_

 _Stephanie: Will you pay for stuff I buy?_

 _Guys: Yes!_

 _Stephanie: And bake me cake and pie?_

 _Guys: Yes!_

 _Stephanie: And hold me when I cry?_

 _Guys: YES!_

 _Stephanie: And I_ _will tell you why_

 _I'm to rockin' to lock away_

 _All the boys come to gawk away_

 _Droppin' jaws from a block away_

 _Watching' how I walk away!_

 _Guys: We love to watch her walk away!_

 _Stephanie: I bend and snap!_

 _Now look how hot it's gettin'!_

 _Bend and snap!_

 _I'm bettin' right now you're sweatin'!_

 _Spring the trap_

 _They cheer and clap_

 _I depend on my friend_

"Go Stephanie! Go Stephanie!"

 _I depend on my friend!_

"Go! Go! Go Stephanie!"

 _I depend on my friend called the bend..._

 _...and SNAP!_

Unbeknownst to her, Ryan the UPS guy had just walked in.

 _I'm gonna snap with style!_

 _I'm gonna get me some- -_ Ryan!

Stephanie immediately froze in place.

"Stephanie, did I leave my stylus?"

Dakota handed her a pen and whispered, _"Do it!,"_ before walking out of the store.

Stephanie dropped the pen on the floor and reached down to get it, unfortunately Ryan did the same.

 _...and SNAP!_

Stephanie snapped upwards, accidentally hitting Ryan in the face and causing him to fall on the floor.

"Oh crap!," Stephanie cried.


End file.
